Lay It All Down AGAIN.
If you’ve been reading my blogs, you may have noticed that I stopped writing the details of my adventure and shifted gears into writing testimonies from my history with the Lord (thank you to those who have taken notice and checked in -you know who you are) I’ve struggled to know what to share and what not to and have failed to keep up correspondence as a result. People don’t typically like to hear about the hard stuff. The truth is that the last 6 months have been some of the most stretching times of my entire walk with the Lord. For a snapshot overview without much vulnerability check out my last blog, but if you care to know the raw, the real and the relatable, keep reading.
The reality is that He has been pruning my heart and working on aspects of my character in such an intense way that I’ve struggled to fully articulate it to others. (John 15) When I began this Abrahamic faith journey (see Genesis 12:1), I honestly had no idea how hard it was going to be. When I embarked on a similar journey in my early 20’s, I was learning to trust God as my provider and doing a lot of evangelism. (I wrote about it here) This journey has been different. This journey has been about my heart. When we give God permission to till the soil of our hearts and go deep, He usually does so outside the realm of our comfort zones.
The very first blog I wrote about this journey I titled, Lay It All Down. I wrote about how I felt the Lord inviting me to give away my furniture to a couple that I had met that same day at a thrift store. It was a catalytic yes to the Lord that changed the course of my life. One thing after another, He asked me to lay down. First it was my furniture, then it was my favorite vintage lamp gifted to me from my deceased Nana. Then my plants, my favorite weighted blanket, my brand new vacuum, my favorite CutCo knives set, my favorite clothes, etc. For a whole month, day after day, He would ask me to give something away until I was down to a travelers backpack and a plane ticket to Kentucky. 8 months later, after giving away almost every item I owned, the comfort of my home, my job, etc. He is still asking me to lay things down. He wants it ALL.
"Let me not sacrifice that which costs me nothing." -2 Samuel 24:24
After writing my second blog, And So It Begins, I received an unsettling phone call. “Hey Becca, we’ve been praying and have really felt like this door is closed now. We love you and support you but really feel a strong conviction that this isn’t the right door for you in this season.” It was the family from Indiana that offered their trailer to me. I was looking forward to having some sort of landing zone after my first 7 weeks of being on the road. I felt confident that it was the next right step. I was ready and willing to move to Indiana. I even wrote a blog about it, testifying of the faithfulness of the Lord. Their call left me feeling confused and betrayed. What had I done to make them change their mind? Why would these people show such radical kindness towards me then take it back? I had no idea where to go next or what to do. I felt blindsided. We ended the conversation and tears began to stream down my face. It was in that moment that I heard His still small voice.
“Becca, will you lay down your offense, bless them and trust that I have a plan?”
He desired to give me His perspective instead. It felt so vulnerable. Do I really trust Him? Did He really have a plan? I was missing my weighted blanket. I felt alone and directionless. I didn’t realize then that He was preparing my heart for what was to come. Over the following 6 months, my faith was going to be tested in ways I couldn’t even imagine. I gathered my things from their property after staying only one night and prayed blessings over them on my way out. Even though I didn’t understand, I decided to trust that this was all part of God’s plan. I made my way from Indiana back to Kentucky to house sit for a friend. I was so thankful the Lord was faithful to keep a roof over my head, but it was a temporary arrangement. As I drove my friend to the airport, my heart began to burn. I desperately wanted to sit at the feet of Jesus and worship Him with the corporate body of Christ. It felt like the safest place to be in the midst of so much uncertainty. (Psalm 84) I found a local church meeting and headed straight there after bringing my friend to the airport. During the service, a curiosity struck me for the different ministries in that region. One person in particular caught my attention and I felt prompted to ask him if he could point me in the direction of a prayer house. I was overwhelmed with the joy of the Lord when he shared that the prayer house he was involved with was looking for long-term staff to move in and sit at the feet of Jesus in their prayer room for the next year. He encouraged me to apply…less than 48 hours later, I had interviewed and was invited to be apart of what the Lord was doing in that region through their ministry. It was an honor and such an answer to prayer. I knew no one but the Holy Spirit there and He had supernaturally opened the door for me and given me a seat at the table. It felt like it finally made sense why the door shut in Indiana. This was a dream come true. My time there marked some of the most beautiful moments with the Lord at His feet, and also some of the most painful refinement. Less than two months later, through a series of events, I found myself facing the voice of the accuser. (Revelation 12:10) I felt stuck and unable to advocate for myself or defend the integrity of my character. Why would God supernaturally walk me into such a difficult situation? I found myself without a home again. This time humiliated and falsely accused. And yet, there it was again, that same still small voice inviting me to lay something down.
“Becca, will you lay down your reputation, die to it in fact, and trust that I have a plan?”
Jesus had a terrible reputation, and yet, He never let it hinder Him from doing what He saw the Father doing. It wasn’t until that experience that I came face-to-face with the ugly truth that I cared to much about what people think about me. It was limiting me from stepping into all that He has for me. Even though that experience left me pretty shattered, He is faithful and uses all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) He was using the experience to bring further sanctification to my heart. At first I didn’t realize that. I was hit with the shame associated with the experience, and battled to keep my focus in the midst of being back in my car with my backpack and no plan. Do I really trust Him? Did He really have a plan?
“Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him.” -Job 13:15 KJV
I made my way to another prayer house in a different part of the country and fasted and prayed for direction and breakthrough. I felt weak and defeated. Why had the last two doors shut so abruptly? Where was God? Where was my cheerleading squad I’d began the journey with? When things began to become challenging, people who love me began to question if I was still hearing God. Was I? The Lord wasn’t concerned about my comfort zone, He wanted to go deep into the dark places of my heart that could only be exposed and revealed through the wilderness. One of my favorite authors Brene Brown, describes vulnerability as “the feeling we get during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” Everything about my life in that moment felt vulnerable and it still does. I’d risked it all in the best way I’d known how and chased after God with everything I had. He wanted more. He still wants more. He wants it all. He was going deep. My story and past was being twisted, manipulated, talked about behind my back, and used against me. He needed me to lay it all down.
“Becca, will you lay down your fear of being deemed unworthy of connection because of your past traumas? And trust that I have a plan?”
Regardless of how uncomfortable I felt, He wanted to remind me of the truth of who He says I am. I had to embrace the vulnerability of my experience to encounter the authenticity of His love and comfort. Traveling the country on a word from the Lord with no guaranteed income is vulnerable. Trusting that I hear His voice and taking steps accordingly when it doesn’t look logical to the world is vulnerable. Living in the homes of people I barely know is vulnerable. Stepping into unpleasant circumstances because God wants to address heart issues in me is vulnerable. Staying on my face before the Lord in the midst of the unknown is vulnerable. Approaching strangers as a single woman sharing the gospel when I am compelled by the Lord is vulnerable. Physically battling travelers fatigue is vulnerable. And processing my feelings on paper for others to read in the midst of it feels the most vulnerable of all.
Embracing a life with God is embracing the uncomfortable. Seeing people in uncomfortable situations automatically makes empathetic people feel uncomfortable. It was during this time that mentors in my life really started to encourage me to find somewhere stable to live and get planted in a healthy community. The following months looked like traveling back home to visit family for the holidays and trying to take their advice while staying in step with Holy Spirit. In prayer I felt like the Lord kept speaking to me the same thing over and over again, but it was different than what the leaders in my life were speaking. “I want you rooted and established in me. I want you rooted and established in your identity in me. I want you so solid in who I’ve created you to be that you will grow wherever you go, and go wherever you grow. I want the roots of your heart to run deep. I want every single aspect of you to be fully surrendered to me. I want all of you.” I didn’t know where to go. Where would I sleep? What community should I plug into? What about the leaders in my life? Aren’t I called to walk with the wisdom of many counselors? In my desire to remain authentic and vulnerable, many of them saw me struggle and continue to struggle and were concerned. Could this possibly still be God? Where is the fruit? The uncomfortable reality is that embracing a life with God is embracing the uncomfortable.
“Becca, will you lay down your need for affirmation from other people? And trust that I have a plan?”
He wanted His word to become the source of my affirmation. After a few months of staying in a different place every week, the Lord so graciously opened up a room for me to stay with a host family on the west coast for a month. It was a divine appointment and felt like a safe harbor. After a few days of getting to know each other, we began to share our stories of encountering God. I shared the story of how the Lord spoke to me through multiple different prophetic words this summer that He wants me to write a book and share my testimony. (You can read the story here) I shared that I started a blog. I was taken back when the man at the other end of the table suggested that I may NOT be ready for all that. I felt discouraged and embarrassed and I lost the motivation to write. He had put words to my insecurities. A few days after that interaction I received another prophetic word at church that God was indeed calling me to write and the time is NOW!
“Becca, will you lay down the approval of man?”
I continued to pray blessing over their family while staying there. God had used that mans words to show me another weed growing in the soil of my heart and for that I was grateful.
The Lord opened another door for me and I transitioned again into what I thought was going to be a place to start to plant myself in a community and get back on my feet. Yesterday, without any plan at all, that still small voice came again.
“Becca, will you lay this opportunity down and follow me again? I’ve led you here and I am leading you on. Do you trust that I still have a plan? Will you trust that I care for you? That I’m leading you, that I will never leave you or forsake you? Will you trust that there is a promise land waiting for you? Will you trust me to provide for you? Defend you? Care for you? Regardless of what it looks like to other people? Will you lay down your fear, will you lay down your doubt? Will you lay down every single ounce of pride? Will you lay down your discouragement when it doesn’t look the way you wanted it to? Will you lay down your life?”
“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.” -Romans 12:1
I shared with the woman gracious enough invite me into her home for the next 3 months that I was going to take another step of faith even though it didn’t make any sense and I had nowhere to go. Within a few hours I received an invitation to travel to another revival meeting an hour away, and they had a place for me to stay. I write this to you now in the comfort of yet another trailer, with another family I have just met. It feels like a full circle moment and for the first time in months, I’ve felt the courage to tell my story and be vulnerable.
Life is an adventure. I am learning to trust Him more and more and it’s a journey that has changed me. I invite you to ask yourself the same question that I've been asking the Lord regardless of my circumstances, “Jesus, what do you want me to lay down at your feet?” Maybe His reply won’t involve your furniture, your house, or your job. Maybe He wants you to lay down unforgiveness, offense, or pride. Maybe there is lingering sin in your life that is preventing you from truly encountering the sweetness of His presence. Regardless of what it might be, are you ready to give Him your all?
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will bear even more fruit.” -John 15:2
To find out what happens next, click here.
