Late night thoughts

The biggest mistake I've made in my life has been trying to figure out God's plan and purpose for my life.

Before you swipe to something else - here me out. I know that's kind of bold to say and maybe you are feeling low-key so judged by that statement because that's exactly where you are at. Maybe you're trying to discern where to go to college, who to marry or what steps to take to provide for yourself financially and my introductory statement caught you off guard.

Or maybe you know exactly what I mean by that because you, too, have found yourself wasting hours and hours of time interacting with God as nothing more than a tour guide to your experience here on planet earth. “What's next God? Are we there yet?”

Let me tell you a little story.

When I was a kid, I had a severe form of epilepsy that left me in a state of seizure 3 out of every 5 seconds on average. I was medically resistant and nothing the doctors were suggesting worked as a long term solution for me. When it came time to go to kindergarten, my dad asked the doctors if it would be worth putting me in school due to my condition. The doctors told him not to waste his time.

My life from that moment forward was stamped by bad reports and unimpressive report cards too. “We're sorry, there is nothing we can do. There is no cure.” Growing up in the church community, well-meaning people would suggest that God must have a big call on my life, if the spiritual warfare against my existence was so strong. With no one around me to challenge that line of thinking, I grew up believing that I was a victim to the schemes of the enemy because God had a plan for my life (including but not limited to being born partially blind). My first tattoo was Jeremiah 29:11 on my head - the place where I still have a gaping scar from a brain surgery that I had at 8 years old.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

During a month long stay in children's hospital, that verse was one of the only things that brought me true comfort. I knew the doctors were going to take out a portion of my brain and that the risks outweighed the chances of me someday becoming a “normal kid.” The hospital floor was filled with other children who also had years of bad reports and slim odds of full and total health. I was terrified. But one night, I woke up to a bright light in my room and I heard that verse whispered in my heart as I lay there scared of the outcome of my surgery. That moment gave me hope that I was going to be okay.

And sure enough, by God's grace, the surgery (which only 2% of candidates at the time could qualify for) worked and brought healing to my brain. I haven't had brain seizures in 25 years.

And so, yes, I have what looks like a prison tattoo on my head still to this day, to remind me of the truth of God's plan for my life.

But the hardships in my life didn't stop after that. In fact, life post-surgery was traumatizing…relearning how to read, write, walk and talk was so difficult. And going back to my elementary school where I had gained the reputation of “the girl without a brain,” also wasn't fun. I survived the hurtful words, out lasted the bullies and life went on, but more and more hardships came my way as the years went by.

By the time I made it to my sophomore year of high school, I'd added a number of struggles to my story that included dropping out of high school completely because I felt stupid and never really caught up to the learning standards of my peers after my surgery in the second grade. I’d had my boughts with various kinds of abuse by this point too, which brought depression and anxiety into my life like a storm.

I managed to maintain my belief in God's plan for my life and at some point, my faith in His plan was my only life line. I had more faith in His plan for me, than I did in His personhood. God’s someday plan for my life was the thought that would keep me going when I didn't want to live through the pain anymore.

And as God so faithfully does, it was during my sophomore year that He found me in my darkness and revitalized me with His magnificent light. Because of His plan for my life of course.

Or at least that was what I thought at the time. I’d try my best to get back on His path for my life and try again, time and time again. I did eventually return back to high school and graduated through an alternative school program.

A few years later, I joined a missions organization. I thought I'd finally found God's big plan for me. I'd tell people my story of how He met me and pulled me out of the pit and I'd preach the Gospel whenever I saw a chance. But I struggled to pay my bills and eventually went to college and got a “real job.” A part of me felt like I let God down by taking a more typical path. That part of me was still believing the narrative that the church ladies spoke to me when I was 5. “Life is just hard because the enemy doesn't like you because of the call of God on your life. God saves His toughest battles for His strongest soldiers after all…” That was what I believed at the time too. Wasn't I supposed to have a big crazy God plan or some sort?! Am I messing it up by not being a missionary anymore and going to college?! In hindsight though, it's another miracle that I even went to college. I had chronically low self-esteem when it came to school. I honestly didn't believe that I could do it, but I did.

Aside from schoolwork, life overall didn't get any easier.

In college, I married an ex from high school (I know, I know…they say you shouldn't go back to exes) and when that “plan” didn’t exactly work out, I hit a point in my faith where I broke.

“God, I want all that you have for me! I want to step into the plan that you have for my life! I'm sorry. I keep messing everything up. I'm done doing things my way. I need to know what your plans and purposes are for me. I need to know NOW.”

And here's the moral of the story…

You ready for this?

I don't think you are.

Because let's be honest, chances are that you've also been through some hard things in your life, you've probably felt some heartache, experienced some set backs, have your own pain story and you are also probably wanting to walk in God's will for your life too, huh? Or at least you know you should be.

Here's the thing - Jeremiah 29:11 is an incomplete thought. There is more to what the Lord was saying there. I grabbed hold of only a fraction of the truth of God's plan for me and allowed purpose to become an idol in my life as a result. Read through the verses below that come right after Jeremiah 29:11:

12Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14I will be found by you,” declares the Lord. -Jeremiah 29:12-14

Did you catch that? God's plan to give you a hope, a future and prosper you, is not complete without seeking Him and finding Him. Him. Just Him. Not seeking His plan, not seeking His purpose for your life - no. Just seeking HIM. When we go to God for what we can gain from Him, things like direction, guidance, reassure and so on, we have to be careful that we don't make God into our own version of a genie lamp or Holy Spirit vending machine. He wants us to seek Him so that we may know Him, not seek Him so that we may know our purpose. Let me explain it to you another way:

23Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, 24but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.” -Jeremiah 9:23-24 ESV

So let’s go back to my opening statement, shall we? The biggest mistake I've made in my life has been trying to figure out God's plan and purpose for my life outside of intimacy and union with Him.

What if God's big plan for your life is friendship with Him through the highs and lows and the ups and downs? What if the big call on your life is to sit at His feet and worship Him through it all? What if His plan doesn't include anything outside of simply being with Him?

My immature, 8 year old understanding of God's plan for me in that hospital bed didn't include friendship with God. As an 8 year old, I heard Jeremiah 29:11 through a naive “what do you want to be when you grow up?” filter of limited understanding. I saw God as disconnected and far away from me. If He had a plan for me, it probably had nothing to do with seeking Him and finding Him, even though hide and seek was one of my favorite games at the time. I didn't yet realize that regardless of what comes my way in this life, God’s desire is to be more than just a tour guide, a guidance counselor or a shrink in my life. He desires to be a father, a friend, a comforter and an advocate.

So, if you are reading this, I honestly believe it is for a reason. I believe God is inviting you into the simplicity of this way of thinking - that it's not about the adventures you go on in this life, it's about who you go on them with. A life fully lived is a life lived on the foundational value of acknowledging that God is with us. When we make acknowledging His nearness our #1 focus, God promises to lead us in the ways we should go! Sometimes we tend to get that backwards and I think it makes Him sad.

5Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. -Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV

The word ‘acknowledge’ in the original Hebrew is “yada” which means ‘to deeply know or know personally.’ Have you studied this before? This is HUGE. Let me explain..

What this means is that when we trust in the Lord with all our heart, give up our need to understand everything and make our journey solely about knowing Him, we can't miss it. The wild, miraculous, supernatural plan for your life is to just be with Him. Sit with Him. Walk with Him. Talk with Him. But just be with Him. That's the big plan and that’s the greatest calling you will ever receive.

We know we are on the right path when the path is simply to know Him! Maybe this all has something to do with why Jesus calls Himself the Way in John 14:6…just sayin’. So with all that being said, I will leave you with this:

Jesus died an incredibly painful death on the cross as the payment for your sin, SO THAT…He could be resurrected again, ascend to be with the Father and leave His Holy Spirit here on earth to do life WITH us when we repent for our sins and believe in the reality that He really does want friendship with us. This is the plan. That we would do life with Him through the power of Holy Spirit.

How can you restructure your thinking about God's plan for your life to include His nearness? When was the last time you kicked “fear of failure” out of your mindset and simply assured yourself that you're on the right path when you acknowledge Him in all of your ways? How are you doing acknowledging Him? Is your 5 year plan to simply know Him?

Check out my book Knowing I Am: A Study on the I Am Statements of God by clicking the link below.

Thanks for reading.